


Your Idiot White Boy

by rebelmeg



Series: Rebelmeg's Tony Stark Bingo Fills 2019 [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Best Friends, Fluff and Crack, For Science!, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 14:10:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20083522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/pseuds/rebelmeg
Summary: Sam and Rhodey are amused and exasperated with the idiot white boys in their lives.





	Your Idiot White Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This cracky nonsense crosses off my TSB square A1 - Sam Wilson/Falcon, as well as my BBB square B1 - Sam Wilson/Falcon.

It started the way a lot of suspicious/potentially dangerous/definitely-science-related things happened in the Tower. Apparently Tony, being Tony, had been up all night, and during his coffee refill at the crack of dawn, had managed to acquire some minions. Steve and Bucky, who were up to go for a run (Steve willingly, Bucky grudgingly), spent all of three minutes trying to talk their way out of whatever web Tony was spinning, but once he dropped the tantalizing carrot of Science, he got Bucky, and by default Steve.

They had been at it (whatever “it” was) ever seen since, and it was nearly three in the afternoon. Loud bangs and screeches could occasionally be faintly heard from Tony’s workshop, along with the occasional thunderous boom that made the entire building tremble just a bit.

Sam and Rhodey were both lounging in the communal living room, passing bags and boxes of snacks between them as an R&B music station played quietly in the background. Rhodey was making his way through a stack of Time Magazines that he’d been meaning to flip through, and Sam was alternating between a group text with his family and a crossword puzzle that claimed to be a high level of difficulty.

As another crash made the room shake ever so slightly, there was a wild whoop and a cackle of laughter from the direction of the emergency stairs that ran up the center of the Tower. Sam and Rhodey both cast a glance in that direction, then looked at each other.

Rhodey was first to look away, going resolutely back to his magazine. “Those are your idiot white boys, not mine.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “They’re off doing something stupid with _your_ idiot white boy.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been handling Tony disasters since the mid-80’s, I know what his trouble noises sound like.”

At the same moment, the elevator chimed announcing its arrival, and the door in the hall that led to the stairs banged open.

Steve scrambled down one hall from the elevator, and Bucky skidded down the other from the stairs, and they nearly collided on their way to the kitchen.

“I won,” Steve said almost breathlessly as he started yanking drawers open and digging through the contents.

Bucky gave him a shove as he passed, “Did not, you punk, it’s a tie at best. You grab the toaster, I got the microwave.”

“Help me find the fondue forks.”

“Find them yourself, I still have to figure out where I put that laser keychain that Shuri gave me.”

Steve paused, looking bewildered. “Why did she give you a laser keychain?”

Bucky hefted the microwave into his arms and started for the elevator. “Because T’Challa gets real mad when you tease him about being a cat, and it’s hilarious.”

Sam, despite not understanding most of the frenzy that was going down in the kitchen, started to laugh. “I still don’t like you, Tinfoil, but that’s funny!”

Bucky flipped him off as he rounded the corner, but they were fooling nobody. They were the best of frenemies and everyone knew it.

Steve continued to rummage through the drawers in the kitchen, finally finding the fondue forks in the very last drawer he checked. He was muttering to himself as he stuck them in his back pocket, then went for the toaster.

“Hey, whatcha doin’?” Sam called over the back of the couch. “Making dinner?”

Steve looked startled at the question. “Oh, hey Sam. What?”

“What are you doing with a toaster, microwave, and fondue forks?”

Steve’s mouth opened, he appeared to question himself, then answered vaguely, “Science.”

Rhodey was smirking as he continued reading his magazine. “You have no idea, do you?”

“I did two hours ago, but now I don’t.”

Sam glanced at Rhodey. “This makes sense to you?”

“With Tony in the mix?” Rhodey shot him a glance and a raised eyebrow. “Hell yes it does.”

Steve took off for the elevator with his fondue forks and liberated toaster, and for a few minutes there was relative silence.

Then, another Tower-shaking bang, and the lights flickered, and Rhodey sighed a very long and heartfelt sigh. “Alright. Fine.”

Sam smirked and popped a Cheeto into his mouth. “Gonna try and stop the madness?”

“Not alone, you’re coming with me.”

Sam didn’t have a chance to protest as Rhodey grabbed his ankle and literally dragged him off the couch, sending Cheetos everywhere as Sam flailed like a landed fish.

“Man, why do you have to be such a killjoy?!”

* * *

Rhodey looked as helpless as Sam had ever seen him as he stared at the car, then at Tony, shaking his head. “How? Why?”

“Oh, c’mon, Honeybear, you recognize repulsor tech.”

“I kinda wanna hear about the why too.” Sam put in, taking in the way Bucky, who was sitting in the front seat, looked ready to sprawl out on the hood of the floating car and maybe have a spontaneous orgasm.

“It’s Tastee Freeze’s fault, really.”

Bucky glared for half a second, then just shrugged and resumed petting the steering wheel. “Yeah, alright.”

“Yesterday Steve brought up something about him and Bucky going to a legit science fair back before they got deployed,” Tony started to explain.

“Don’t you dare try to blame this on me,” Steve threatened from the other side of the room, where he was playing catch with Tony’s bots.

“What kind of nerds go to a _science fair_ their last night before deployment, I ask you?” Tony continued as if there had been no interruption.

“The same kind of nerds that spend spring break touring NASA?” Rhodey had a little half-smile on his face.

Tony waved a dismissive hand at him, “You’re not helping, shut up. Anyway, the whole flying car thing came up, and apparently Southpaw over there has been nursing a serious tech boner even from way back when, and, well… I can’t be blamed for this.”

Steve and Rhodey said in unison, “Yes, you can.”

Tony snorted and flipped both of them off, then beckoned to his MIT Bro.

“Oh, Rhodey, c’mere and help me with this bit, I’m wondering if there’s any logic in trying to increase the thrust due to the weight without compromising maneuverability, like we had to work around with the War Machine armor."

“No, don’t rope me into this, you’ve already got two lab assistants in the form of those iced Americanos.” Rhodey waved a hand in the direction of Steve, who was back to tossing a ball for the bots, and Bucky, who was now sprawled in the backseat of the car and playing a game of Pong that FRIDAY was projecting for him. Sam mouthed _"iced Americanos"_ to himself and promptly started sniggering.

Tony just grinned in that way he had, something manic and tantalizing gleaming in his eyes. “What if I tell you that I’ll let FRIDAY do the first test drive?"

That gave Rhodey pause. Clearly the opportunity to get Tony to adopt even the faintest hint of lab safety was a great temptation. He shot Sam a look, who just held his hands up and shook his head.

“Nope. Like I said, _your_ idiot white boy.”

“Hey, Sam,” Bucky’s head popped up from the backseat of the hovering car. “After FRIDAY does the first test run outside, you wanna join me for the second? I could use a wingman.”

Now Sam was pausing, Steve was looking alarmed, and Rhodey was smirking.

“I’m sorry, what was that about my idiot white boy?” He asked, and Sam just rolled his eyes.

“Clearly mine are as bad as yours.”

* * *

The amount of ruffled feathers that had to be soothed after the ex-Winter Soldier, the Falcon, Captain America, Iron Man, and War Machine freaked out the FAA and ended up sinking a flying car in the East River at two in the morning was impressive, to say the least. It was worth it, however, when a full-page close-up photo of the malfunctioning car, with all fives superheroes packed into and apparently screaming bloody murder as they went careening towards the river, showed up in all the news media the next day. 

Natasha Romanoff, after laughing herself sick, blew up the image and had a poster made to keep in her bedroom. And one for the bathroom on the communal floor. And for the lobby. And one for Pepper Potts to keep at SI. She used it as the picture on the Christmas cards too, with the caption _"Have a screamin' good holiday season!"_


End file.
